ICKKKYYY

I FEEL ICKYYY

ate sooo freaking much

ick

ick

ick

ughhhh I feel sickkk

I'll respond to everyones comments tomorrow! I dont even feel worthy of journaling right now, sorry lovelys! Hope you all had a better day then me! thanks so much for the constant support! I LOVE YOU ALL! STAY STRONG!

XoXo Soph XoXo

Diet Pills: Effects

I feel like they didnt kick in until later tonight because until tonight I was hungry ALL DAY! UGHHH SOOOO ANNOOYYYINGGGG! It makes me agitated too! (the hungryness not the diet pills), they actually made my more upbeat and ready to go it was like freaking speed! AAAAAHHHMMAAAZINNNGG...god I'm sooo obnoxious lately...whats wrong with me? haha BUT tonight I was with C and all of us were at her house Aussi, Ji, Lu (we talked...she still hates my guts) Teasi, Boy I dont think I've mentioned but Kye, and a bunch of random people randomly stopping by and I would smell the food and be REPULSED and they had these dougnuts ohh myy goddd there my one major weekness, one smell and I felt like I would puke, best pills ever?

Anyways so tonight besides Lu talking to me saying she isnt mad, but still hates me? and that she forgives me but she cant forget? I get it...stop saying it please and lets just freaking move on and be friends again! OTHER than that was awesome, went over to C's house at 4 lit candles had everyone over bonfire...AUSSIS GF BROKE UP WITH HIM...tried to hit on me some more. Ji's hug lingered to long had to pull him off of me by pulling the back of his shirt away from me. Think he was a tad bit upset/angry about that.....ohhh wellssieee he always gets over and tries again. Boys never give up.

I REALLY must get this gum that violet was talking about! And also Violet...yea definitely went to the store again today with C and considered stealing...but our friend works there and was hanging out talking to us. Also C definitely does have EDNOS she doesnt know it but she does, shes like 110 pounds tries not to eat eventually binges tries to make herself throw up never can and now wants my diet pills? yes....I think its safe to say we're on the same boat. Goodness i'm obsesseedd with that girl! Yes lulu we have to be 27 apparently, Midwest, Canada is lucky and they're cheaper there...sooo jealous girl! Hazel, Thanks so much! I actually have never really liked my name, and trust me that was just a good day, I'm normally not that good! but thanks girl! Thank you all you wonderfuls :)

I think I'm going to keep doing this returning comments in the next blog piece that way I can respond, its simply easier for me if you understand, sooo if you comment look at the next post for a response :) LOVE YOU BOYS AND GIRLS!!!!

Ugh loving summer, woke up again and worked out this morning, had half an apple, diet pill and took a shower, then had green tea, then work I had a rice crispy treat, and salad with no dressing, one MINI MINI MINI butterfinger bar...ughh so small it barely lasted me, went to hang out with C had lets see...handfull of chips, Oh btw guys like 6 diet cokes today...getting dangerous on the caffeine intake..., half a doughnut anddddd lots of green tea. I think thats it thats when the pills started to kick in I think sooo pretty bad day, I feel so full right now it makes me sick but I seriously cannottt make myself throw up I DONT KNOW WHATS WRONG WITH ME! like I've tried alllll the way down my thought (idk how to spell that...) but I CANT! UGHHH and its not like I can keep trying I need my voice for all the plays and auditions I have, of course my next play (the one for Europe) doesnt start again till the last week of july 24/7 then we leave August 2nd. Then right after that my second plays starts rehersal...literally I think its the next day I get back SAVEEE ME LOVES!

So yes, basically I'm obsessed with every single one of you and am sooo proud of you weather your having a bad week, great week, so so, stuck at the same weight, giving up, retiring, you are wonderful and amazing and you can get through this! and I will support any of you in whatever you choose!

I LOVE YOU ALL!

XoXo Soph XoXo

Got My Pills :)

Hello my beautiful wonderful amazing followers/random people who happened upon my page! Today was a....GOOD DAY!

reason #1: Looked at my ex's wall...girl telling him she tried to text him....hahahahaha ohhh myyy gooodddd absolute fattest ugliest freak looking thing I have seen in my ENTIRE LIFE!

reason #2: woke up had a cup of tea burned 200 calories in a half hour at the gym

reason #3: had a coke zero and some organic basically no cal puffs of chedder things and half a cheese borito thing. soo pretty good day when it comes to that

reason #4: bought 40 new tea packets at the store and almost bought a coffee maker to heat up my tea

reason #5: C comes home tomorrow and everybody was writing on my wall on how excited they are to see me and her! so yayyy!

reason #6: you all are just so amazing

reason #7: no drama night just layed around the house doing crunches watching scary movies eating organic puff things

reason #8: went back to the same store went up to the counter flirted with the guy a lottt went back got my pills told him they were for my mom cause he said i didnt need them and then he gave them to me...you have to be 27 and he knew I was 16. flirting can get you almost anything

LOVEEE TODAYYY

even tho lu has been sending me the most evil one sentence basically 3 word responses to my huge apologetic emails...I apologized I HATEEE that I hurt her but I didnt know that I would, two days before that she even tolddd me to hook up with him, why is it that girls never say what they mean? Its awful that we can't just be honest with one another, we're best friends TELL ME if you dont want me touching him dont FUCKING ENCOURAGE IT! I apologized and beat myself up for it for so long that I'm almost immune to it at this point, please just forgive me and we can be friends running around together talking to complete strangers and telling them theyre cute, meeting guys at 1 am at a church! I MISS THAT! GET OVER IT!

ohhh sweethearts I truely dont know what else to say except I send all my love to you and hope you're all doing well! If you ever want to talk just email me :) tryingperfection@aol.com!

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

aren't I obnoxious when I'm happy and tired?

Sweet Dreams!

XoXo Soph XoXo

for the first time, I Feel Wicked!

Yes, any of you who at all know musicals know that line from obviously wicked. I'm a huggeeee theater child and while yes wicked is AMAZING and I love it to death it is not my favorite, my favorite is tied between a billion different but Wicked comes in a close second. I saw wicked tonight and it was as usual amazing! I love it! God I'm such a theater geek. Notice I'm not a gleek, yes I love the show but honestly....not that much where I'd subject myself to that name, sorry gleeks you're just not for me. One of my most embarrassing moments was mistaking Spring Awakening for Rent....yes I am a theater child...

Anyways sweethearts today I researched diet pills after seeing an add for Avila (I think thats it) on tv and decided to get green tea extract, drove up to the walgreens by my house, picked out 2 90 capsule container thingys and went to check out, waited in line, waited in line, waited in line, finally got to the front of the line the lady asked for my id and I gave it to her...You cant buy diet pills underage, quick fix? buy them online? cant...if those get sent to the house I dont even know what my parents would think but there'd be a LOT of curiosity. SOOOO bringing me to my point, anyone know of any diet pills that I can buy over the counter with being 16? On the bright side I did see the cutest coffee cup and although I don't drink coffee I do drink lottsss of green tea! So it works for that yes?

Lulu, in response to yesterdays comment, yes trust me it would be a huggeee judgefes! I think I may have even been judged not even being there! at least Ji didnt hit on me. Although he did realize today that nothing would happen...for the billionth time. Really, Ji, Sweetheart...get a clue I'm telling you nothing will happen. Please for the love of god understand that in your thick, how could you not like me I'm gorgeous, head. Silly boys, what am I to do with you? You drive me crazy...along with sooo many other things!

I'm so excited! Tomorrow I'm going to wake up early, drink my no cal green tea on my porch while reading The Power Of One and then go for a run with my dog! To me that sounds like a relaxing HEAVEN! AND on Monday C comes back from the lake! THANK GOD! I missed that girl! Life is so much more difficult without my confidant!

My Darlings, I bid you goodnight and wish you the best of dreams!

I may go watch law and order SVU now....Am I the ONLY ONE addicted to that show? ughh sooo intriguing!

All The Love I Possess

XoXo Soph XoXo

Super Long Post

Hello you amazing girls and boys! Have you been told I love you lately? cause yea...I LOVE YOU! The comments on yesterdays post made me feel a lot better and you all are so sweet! Thank you so much darlings!

Alright here we go....tonight I am spending my night at home babysitting, my baby brother is asleep in his bed right now and I actually fell asleep while babysitting and he tucked me in, isnt he just the sweetest? I'm so lucky to have him. While I'm here babysitting all my friends are at one of my friends house (his parents are out of town) partying and drinking. I was invited to spend the night at his house after I finished babysitting but I'm pretty sure its best that I dont go considering Ji will be there and will try hitting on me while Lu stands off to the side hating me. And no what I loveeee about the guy hosting the party and his best friend? THEY HATE MY EX they think hes sooo stupid and cant understand why I dated him. Which I dont even think they know but it makes me feel better, aweful isnt it?

C is at the lake with some girls who go to our school, theyre skinny bitches. Anyways I miss her but she'll be back on monday and then we can party it up again, shes another reason why I'm not going tonight, she's my constant support when awful with that group and we're both being judged. Why is she being judged? She hooked up with Aussi, I was there, but sadly he has a gf who then hated C but no worries they worked it out and everyone is friends again but still people will still judge her every move. Not her fault hes unbelievably hot. He's the type of guy who wont really kiss you first but he'll pull you really close and put his hands around your waste and pull you on top of him and pull you onto his lap and put his hands on your legs. I dont know why but for me, that is a HUGEEE turn on.

Ugh I can not wait till I lose more weight because I am going to get the CUTEST hippie dresses and I'm going to look so amazing in them! AH I just cant wait! I'll post a picture of all the dress's I want either later tonight or tomorrow for some reason my uploader isnt working.

I work in a doctors office and I adore my job, I want to be an ER doctor. I know its bad hours and low wages but I feel like thats one of the few areas where I really work on every part of the body and also I know for a fact that I'm not doing it for the money otherwise, really, what is the point of doing it? I work with many nurses who are sweet and funny I absolutely love and adore them.

I will be happy. I'm not sure when but I know eventually I'll wake up and realizes that things in my life are just going right. I cannot wait until that day comes because I still feel like things are falling apart in my life and I just wish there was a quick fix. I could just wish at 11:11 that things will be better and unfortunately things dont really work like that but I keep on wishing because if I dont have that, really what do I have?

I am running out of things to say but I really would just like to say thank you again for listening to my mental breakdown about my ex last night. Just knowing that you guys are out there makes me feel a billion times out there that I have people who support me. Truly you guys are the greatest and I wish the best for all of you!

I'm going to go watch tv before I end up falling asleep on my couch from my true exhaustion maybe I'll even just go to bed now, I'm soo tired! Alright beautiful darlings have lovely dreams!

XoXo Sophia XoXo

What Did I See?

Honestly, I keep on asking myself...What did I see in him?!?! Yes he was sweet and amazing when we were dating but now, honestly all he does is make me feel like shit, billions of girls posting stuff on his wall. makes me feel like shit. my best friend Lu picking me over him. makes me feel like shit. Him changing schools and his parents divorce. makes me feel like shit. He's a jerk to me now but I know that hes really upset and I FEEL BAD FOR HIM? What is wrong with me, I need a therapist, for many other reasons as well but this one completely baffles me. I eventually just had to sign off I couldnt believe it. I shouldnt care, it shouldnt matter! I feel like this is the only place where I feel safe saying I still like him, right after our breakup I thought I was over it, my friends still think I'm over it except I think C and Eme are suspecting things now. But they dont really know. What if I never feel as special as I did with him. What if I never get that feeling like hes so amazing and he likes me. What if another guy never holds me or kisses me like he did. He made me feel special and important but now I just feel aweful! I've never been the love type, never been one for long relationships but I liked him so much and gave the better part of a year to him and now I feel like I lost everything and I dont even know why! I really hope someone cares about me and is right for me and knows and understands me like he did.

Thanks for listening, I really needed to vent after stalking him a bit...not obsessively just looking at his page and seeing all the girls who wrote on there and how beautiful theyre smiles are and how stupid skinny bitches they look like. that sounds mean, it isnt there fault i'm resentful like this...I'm sure they're nice girls...maybe. Oh well he's transferring to a different school but we didnt go to the same schools anyways (i got to all girls, he goes to all boys) and hes transferring to a co-ed)...hopefully it makes it better but I'm not too sure right now. I know I said I'd post more about my job but thats been post poned till tomorrow because of the major breakdown going on inside me right now.

MUCH LOVE AND HUGS

SWEET DREAMS

XoXo Soph XoXo

Silly Boys

MY GOODNESS! Boys are persistent little buggers aren't they! JI will not stop! I'm starting to worry this will really ruin our friendship, normally I can do this and be perfectly normal, no awkward situations but with him he wont stop to the point where I dont know if we ever could be friends again. I'm even questioning weather we were ever really friends!

ALSO I could really use some help either comment or email me at tryingperfection@aol.com BUT Does anyone have advice for night eating, I do soooo well during the day but at night I completely binge like tonight. I cried I ate so much, I was sooo mad at myself for messing up! How will I ever make my ex jealous if I look like THIS! I'm going to wake up tomorrow and go for a run before work! Btw I absolutely love my job (Tomorrows post will be dedicated to me talking about it just FYI). I love how I'm planning my posts now, it keeps me on track and makes sure that I keep on posting and updating otherwise I'll fall of the edge of the earth again!

Oh goodness I love summer! and how the warm sun hits my skin, its memorizing! Also I was burning my candles tonight, they smelt amazing I love them!

BLOGS TO LOOK AT: I'm sure most of you have heard of the blog by control by PrettyWreck but I must say she can write! Her blog helps me so much and I can always relate to something shes posting about! So if you haven't go look at her blog! Happy reading!

Right after this post I'll be updating my friends post and some of my goals, and hopefully some quotes under the inspiration page! So yay! I must say I do enjoy updating this!

LOVE YOU DARLINGS FOREVER

XoXo Soph XoXo

Bliss

Although parts of my life are falling apart with girls being just stupid! I've decided to ignore them, they're not worth it. I am better than them, I mean really I know I'm a fat lard right now but when I'm skinny and beautiful there's nothing they can do to stop me! I will be perfect! I'll have a guy who treats me like a princess, not JI although he is continuing to persist on....its actually becoming a hassle, endearing but complete waste of time. I'll have cute clothes, I'll be putting my wish list up soon! I'll have my room clean and completely organized, clean out my closet! My friends will still be the amazing wonderful people they are today! And I'll be HAPPY!

I went shopping today, got a cute flow-y top that you cant see my humongo stomach and hips in! it makes me actually look skinny and I love it! I also forgot to mention I got the CUTEST set of candles yesterday (yes I am candle obsessed) LOVE THEMMM I got like 9 for $8! Best deal quite possibly ever?!

I bought JI a fish tonight and brought it over to his house, little bit of a joke, he refused my fish so i brought it to my friend EME's house so her baby brother could have it

OH btw I'm going to update a side bar of my friends like JI, C, and EME cause trust me I understand how annoying and confusing it must get. It'll have a mini description of them and they're personality and why I love them so much!

I'm STILL slowly but surely adding bits and pieces to my blog thing (I'm not quite sure what to call it cause its not so much a blog in my mind as a journal which just so happens I can share and get your lovely feedbacks!) so be patient more is coming!

I always feel so much better after posting all of this, its like a weight off my shoulders!

Anyways early morning again for me tomorrow

Sweet Dreams Beautifuls!

XoXo Soph XoXO

New Blog Style?

Hey Pretties!

Another day has gone by, and as you can see (if you have been following me for a bit) that my blog looks NEW. Well not new new but new layout new pages ect ect. TELL ME HOW YOU LIKE IT! better? worse? advice? something you want? I've added some new pages, the page it opens to is my journal (what you're reading now) and all my day to day posts. Upcoming pages (still working on it are Goals and Measurements which is where I'll put my current weight all of my measurements, what I'd like to be in both weight and measurements, my BMI, my fat content (which I can with sure confidence right now is farrr to high!) I added Tips and Inspiration where I'll put quotes, tips, possibly thinspiration, we'll see what else, you never know :). and Last (for right now) I have questions, where you can go and ask me whatever you'd like and I'll do my best to respond. I'll try and check that page almost everyday even if I dont leave a journal entry!

My day today

I went out with my friend C tonight went over to her house got all cute and ready. keep in mind I was looking prettier cause I hadn't eaten yet today and then we went out and met up with some friends...I had a lot of whip cream which i'll explain but it was bad. like 10-15 mouthfuls of whip cream bad. on the bright side thats all I ate but the fat content and calorie content... through the roof. it makes me sick just thinking about it. I wanted to throw it up and I tried but apparently I have no gag reflexes....which means id be good at somethings....but bad at binge purge thing

so that was annoying but i basically just ran around all night and tried to have a blast. When I got home I got BITCHED OUT like majorly by some stupid girl saying I'm a slut and a whore...funny cause most people think I'm kinda prude...but thanks you beotch. haha never said beotch before. did I spell it right? Its funny cause I thought me and this girl were friends

anyways here in the Midwest its 12 and I must wake up at 4 so I can get a workout before work.

I apologize ahead of time for any spelling errors...or grammar. grammar is probably worse, I've never been too great at it. I'm very tired so its probably even worse

Anyways Beautiful's

Goodnight and Sweet Dreams!

Thank you for all the support!

XoXo Sophia XoXo

Vegetarian, The Way To Go

Hello Darlings,
Today is June 20, 2010. I am now a vegetarian. Yes I love animals, I was a vegetarian when I was little, yes I am a complete hippy (wear hippy clothes, listen to chill music for the most party, do stuff like run around the park painted blue for diversity with one other friend (YES I DID DO THIS)) but also OH MY GOD it helps with weight so much, i'm forced to eat nothing or a few things of lettus. This morning, being fathers day for us here I'm going to brunch, bacon, ham, omlets, yummmm but wait...I cant eat that not because I'm ana but because I'm a vegetarian. my parents dont complain or notice now when I'm not eating they just give me a protein pill. I definitely recommend this! One of my best friends (I forget if I have mentioned her before but lets call her C) is being vegetarian with me. Shes suppppeeerrr skinny and beautiful and truthfully I think she's ANA but I cant ask her cause if shes not...well that could be bad.
JI kissed me...again...kinda kissed him back. My ex hates me but you know what...he dumped me and I'm of course not going to do this again with JI, even tho I must say...he's definitely not bad...at all. But I'm not gonna let some guy who said he didnt want me tell me I can't do something. YAY for me!
Lets see what else...
I need cute clothes! Rompers, very popular now. At first I must say I didnt like them much but now idk...I think they could be cute? SO I'm thinking shopping spree, after I lose 10 pounds. I'm back to 127 I was 125 for a while so when I am 117 I'll go shopping and then when i'm 110 I will again and 105 and 100 and so and so on.
Oh I'm so excited to lose weight!
XoXo Soph XoXo
ps. I've missed you all :)